Evil Seed
I’m a 40 year old male who was molested beginning at age 5. The molestation was not violent or physically painful, but I was nauseated by it the first few times and had what I now recognize as mental “shock,” not unlike what a person feels after a fairly serious a car accident even if the person isn’t injured. After this, I was numb for a while and then began to enjoy the experience. I became obsessed with sex and sometimes masturbated upwards of 10 times a day (this was in 3rd grade and beyond), so often that I sometimes caused friction sores to appear on myself. Sex became a central part of my daily existence. It’s as if my very brain structure was changed to include this, very early in my life and expanded from there, taking over everything I am. I began to seek out the sexual behaviors that had previously been molestations: I became a willing partner in the event. I also tended to seek and initiate sexual activities with other kids around me; neighbors, friends, schoolmates, even cousins. I became bisexual, but am not at all comfortable with it as an identity. As a young adult, I tried very much to have a “normal” sex life, but I was never able to achieve this. I was (and am) incredibly inept and uncomfortable in relationships. Instead, I would satisfy my sexual needs in back alleys and porn shops and public toilets (this was before AIDS became rampant), keeping sex completely separate from the rest of my life and my relationships. It became my “dark side.” A kind of curse, a compulsion of sorts, that I have not been able to escape. I became a Christian when I was 17, hoping that this would cure me. And I prayed to God day after day, month after month, to remove this curse from me. But it never happened. (Obviously, my will is weak.) I sometimes think God has given up on me because of my weakness & my continued sin. After all, true repentance requires a “turning away” from that sin, something which I have never achieved. I tried counseling several times, but was never really able to invest in it. Partly because of my complete and utter hostility toward authority, I imagine. I refuse to allow another human to have influence/power over me or any single part of me, including my viewpoints. And therapy requires submission to the therapist’s role as “the authority” on views of correctness, truth, reality, and sanity. Also, the therapy failed partly because of intense shame. I was never quite able to invest the trust in the person necessary to really open up the Dark Side and let it all be seen. My hidden essence is reprehensible and vile. There’s a glaring dichotomy in those two things, the resentment of authority Vs. the intense shame and self-hate. In effect, I hate my self and my life but refuse to invest anyone with the power to influence me and help me change things. I have cut myself off from society as much as is humanly possible. If I knew how, I would become a complete hermit and never face another person again. I have cut off so much of myself emotionally that I am chronically depressed, unmotivated, unambitious, and have no drives remaining except that intense and twisted sex drive that is out of control, at least mentally. Here’s the really bad part. In the last decade or so, my sexual appetites/fantasies have turned to a kind of replay of my molestation. Except this time, I’m in the role of the molester. I don’t know where this came from or why. It literally appeared from nowhere one day and has gradually taken over my fantasies. Fortunately, I have so insulated myself from people that there is literally no opportunity for the fantasies to be acted out. But the few times I have been around children in a comfortable setting (i.e., alone with them in a private setting), the impulse has been immensely strong and has taken very much energy and will to control it. Such fantasies would be painful if made reality. It’s like the difference between thinking about murdering someone vs. actually doing it. The fantasy may be a reward to the mind, but the reality would be horrifying, terrifying, and unfulfilling. I no longer allow children around me. And I don’t like being around them even when their parents are with them. I have no relationship interest in children and do not even like them. But this fantasy remains. Sometimes I am convinced it’s demonic. Other times I think it’s just the result of my being a loathsome, repulsive entity. The Bible says, If your hand offend thee, cut it off. And I have sometimes considered cutting off my genitals. But I am, essentially, a coward when it comes to physical pain. I have all the earmarks of a child molester and pedophile. One “good” thing is that I have no stomach for violence or violent acts. I cannot even watch them on television. So how is it that something as vicious and reprehensible as molestation should be so attractive? I don’t know. I refuse to act out the fantasies. If I weren’t so sure I was going to Hell, I would tie that millstone you’ve mentioned around my neck and plunge into the sea. Or maybe I’d be too cowardly to do that, too. Hell or no Hell. I don’t know what to do. People say that child molesters should be executed. And part of me agrees with this. As such, then, the best option for me would be death, but I’ve already addressed that, I guess. Counseling. I keep going back to that option. But it eludes me each time I do it. I’ve been to 12 counselors in the last 15 years. But as I’ve said, that doesn’t work out. And even if I were able to invest in it properly, I’m not sure what use counseling would be for this. What does it accomplish? I mean, what can be done in a counselor’s office to help this essential evil? Therapists use psycho-babble like “resolution” and “working-through,” but these terms seem to have no substantive meaning. What are these things anyway and how can they turn off a compulsion or drive. How can they un-make the neural pathways and neurotically floods that have developed since age 5? How do you “unlearn” how to ride a bike?
Filed under Shared Stories by on Mar 22nd, 2010. Comment. 
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Comments on Evil Seed
Defensive @ 9:21 am
Holy Cow, Evil Seed! So many of the things you mention are common among people who have suffered the horror of molestation. Your description of how this “evil” gradually can take over a person when left untreated is terrifying. My heart aches for the innocence you lost. When other children had to face things like schoolyard bullies and spinach for supper, you were forced to take on and try to deal with ideas and actions that rightly belong strictly in adult interactions. It was simply too much for your young mind to encompass properly. And all the things you mention are the results. The issues were too much for you as a child. They overwhelmed your young mind. And because successful intervention was never applied, those things continued to grow, always staying two steps ahead of your mind’s development. You speak of feeling out of control. As a child, you were not in control of the things that happened to you, nor were you able to control the very adult results of those things. You’ve never been able to capture that control. I wonder if the fantasies you talk about, the fantasies with you taking the molesting role, are attempts by your mind to put you in control, a control that you’ve never felt you had. But there are better ways. You’ve kind of answered your own question. Counseling truly is the only good solution for you. You’ve done a pretty good job of initiating a “contact” about these issues already. It’s all written in your post. Now, just print out your own post and take it with you to the appointment with your therapist. Make sure the therapist has training and experience with assisting molestation survivors. Then hand over the printout. It’s very common for molestation victims to be so filled with shame and self hate that they can’t initiate the discussion about these things, so a therapist with experience in these matters should accept the printout with understanding. The cat will be out of the bag for once, from the very beginning. You will no longer have to hide these things from the therapist and won’t have to worry about finding a way to tell him or her about these inner terrors. For the first time in your life, you’ll be completely free to speak. You’ll be able to “come clean” and scrub the layers of soot from your soul. As for things like working through or resolving, don’t worry too much about the terms. They just aren’t important. What the therapist will do is help you to feel clean again inside, for the first time since you were a child! And the therapist will help you learn ways to take back control of your behavior, your thoughts, and even your fantasies. So not only will you be able to feel clean again, but you’ll be able to take control of your life so that you can go on feeling clean inside. Then you’ll be able to build a new lifestyle. You’ll have a new chance at living. You’ve already given up so much of your life to this that you’re completely miserable. You have nothing to lose and you have the rest of your life to gain from it. Please, do yourself a favor. Print out your own post and take it to a therapist. Do it now, before things get even worse, as they will. Do it before you commit an act that you simply cannot live with and cannot escape from. Do it today. Make the appointment and print out your post. You have nothing to lose. Good luck. I sincerely hope you find the peace and cleanliness that you’re so desperately looking for.
Trust Him @ 9:22 am
I can share much about the “evils” or the impact of molestation or the twisted views of sex that is impounded upon children at a very young age. I have dealt with much of this since the age of about 5 years old. It has been a difficult battle to overcome and have often wondered how far in life I possibly could have excelled if had not had to deal and overcome the obstacles of molestation. The key to overcoming is a true experience of salvation and then allowing the God of all power to give everything that’s needed to overcome. I truly believe that a therapist can help (God can provide a good one that will advise in the proper manner) and most likely will be necessary for the deep embedded problems that exist. You must take the guidance that is given by the therapist and also seek God for strength, grace, courage and He will guide and give as He has promised “if” we seek him and follow Him as He directs. It is a battle to not allow ourselves to fulfill our desires. It is a battle to control those negative feelings and thoughts as we feel them coming upon us. Sure, I have failed many times in rising to God’s standard and have been let down within myself but you have to continue to persevere. But, on the other hand, God has given much joy and assurance when I have controlled the “evil desires”. It is very rewarding to serve God and know from deep within where He has brought me from. Only He can heal the wounds within that satin grips that very soul. Satin begins at a very young age to destroy and it is left up to the individual whether we allow him to win and we are defeated or we overcome and we are victorious. I like myself to well to allow satin to destroy me. I am not a loser with God living within. I love the feeling that God has given me the victory and that satin does not control my inner being, my mind and actions anymore. I came to know Christ at age of 25 and am now 50 years old. It takes much determination and a strong will power. I praise Him from my inner being that he gave the way of escape to overcome the grips that satin had upon me. “All things are possible with Christ”. “If God be for us, who can be against us”. These used to be just words in the Bible but having experienced His touch in my daily walk of life, I can say with assurance and steadfastness, there is much to be gained in fully trusting Him as your Savior. You can trust Him to never betray you. He already knows your every thought and behavior; you do not have to tell Him. Trust Him to help you. He will not let you down.
Birds of a Feather @ 9:22 am
I don’t know where to begin. I feel strange just writing this… having no proof of foul play in my young years…. but the story told about the life in Evil Seed…. was written as though by my own hand. I stages of feelings… the sexual acts…. the separating of sex and love or relationship… sex was dark. I for some reason blocked most of my past out… other than sexual parts for some reason but never in my sexual memory do I remember an older man, yet I can smell it… and almost see it. The thoughts of being the molester have definitely played a big part in my life… I too have never acted upon these feelings, temptations, but being around young males… seems to drive me crazy. I have blocked something out in my past and once in a while I will get flashes but no evidence. The truth is there… what do I do? Where do I go? Who do I seek? I swear… I am begin to wonder about my own sanity at times.