I will be sixty years old this month, and I have never told my story to anyone, although it has tormented me for 55 years. It happened when I was a boy aged five. My older sister was very, very ill, and had to be taken by my parents to the Mayo Clinic. My father brought a woman to the house to take care of me and my other sister while they were gone. My mother was upset about it, and I now know she was my father’s lover and drinking companion. My sister and I slept upstairs, and on the first night, the sitter let me stay up, but made my older sister go to bed. The woman was drinking whiskey and made me drink it too. I remember she stood me on the dining room table and pulled down my pants and sucked my penis. She took me in the living room and sat on the couch and pulled her dress up and forced my face into her vagina, or made me stand between her legs so she could rub it on me. Sometimes I threw up and she would slap my face. It would continue until she passed out. It happened every night until my parents came back two weeks later. I was sure she was going to kill me, there was nothing erotic in it for a five year old boy, and I didn’t understand her actions. No one ever knew. As an adult, I haven’t been able to love women fully. I’ve been married five times, but for the last ten years I’ve lived alone. I’d like to have a loving woman, but I think it is too late for me. To those who are younger, don’t wait to face your demons, seek help.
Filed under Shared Stories by on Mar 22nd, 2010. Comment. 
My name is “Danielle”, I would finally like the world to know my story. I’m a 36 year old female with something to share with the world. I have 2 younger sisters that shamefully I did not protect from our father. I tried but the voices to protect myself sometimes took precedence. At an early age, I guess around 6, I had cousins and a brother that thought that I was beautiful. They would ask me to perform things on them that I knew nothing about. At the time I was not associated with pornography and did not know what it meant. They would show me pictures and say if I love them, I would do what these girls were doing. I agreed because I did not know that it was wrong. Later it would seem that this is a trait in my family. My father started when I was about 10. I loved my father and could not find fault with him. You have to understand we came from a big family, 7 boys and 5 girls.. So what we thought was love was lust in some cases. I tried to save my younger sisters from the shame that was dealt upon us when I found out that it wasn’t right. Our dad it seems had done this to his granddaughters also. My younger sister to this day blames Daddy, with reasons, for her life. I’ve forgiven him, along with my middle sister for the trespasses that he has done to us, but she cannot. But, in that same aspect, I have a troublesome marriage. My husband loves pornography and I will not have sexual relations with him. He loves his girls and I’m finding it harder everyday to forgive him. He knows what happened to me, but he continues on this path that I know will eventually end us. Please help if you can.
Filed under Shared Stories by on Mar 22nd, 2010. Comment.
I was 12 when it started. My older sister made “passes” at me and I really didn’t think much of it. She then started touching me, my privates, tickling me. Still I was so blind to it. Then she progressed to oral then full sex. I am 14 now and this has stopped. I said no once to her and it ended. I am feeling so guilty though because I have on a few occasions welcomed it. What can I do to alleviate this guilt and also to try and restore some semblance to our relationship as brother and sister?
Filed under Shared Stories by on Mar 22nd, 2010. Comment.
I’m a 40 year old male who was molested beginning at age 5. The molestation was not violent or physically painful, but I was nauseated by it the first few times and had what I now recognize as mental “shock,” not unlike what a person feels after a fairly serious a car accident even if the person isn’t injured. After this, I was numb for a while and then began to enjoy the experience. I became obsessed with sex and sometimes masturbated upwards of 10 times a day (this was in 3rd grade and beyond), so often that I sometimes caused friction sores to appear on myself. Sex became a central part of my daily existence. It’s as if my very brain structure was changed to include this, very early in my life and expanded from there, taking over everything I am. I began to seek out the sexual behaviors that had previously been molestations: I became a willing partner in the event. I also tended to seek and initiate sexual activities with other kids around me; neighbors, friends, schoolmates, even cousins. I became bisexual, but am not at all comfortable with it as an identity. As a young adult, I tried very much to have a “normal” sex life, but I was never able to achieve this. I was (and am) incredibly inept and uncomfortable in relationships. Instead, I would satisfy my sexual needs in back alleys and porn shops and public toilets (this was before AIDS became rampant), keeping sex completely separate from the rest of my life and my relationships. It became my “dark side.” A kind of curse, a compulsion of sorts, that I have not been able to escape. I became a Christian when I was 17, hoping that this would cure me. And I prayed to God day after day, month after month, to remove this curse from me. But it never happened. (Obviously, my will is weak.) I sometimes think God has given up on me because of my weakness & my continued sin. After all, true repentance requires a “turning away” from that sin, something which I have never achieved. I tried counseling several times, but was never really able to invest in it. Partly because of my complete and utter hostility toward authority, I imagine. I refuse to allow another human to have influence/power over me or any single part of me, including my viewpoints. And therapy requires submission to the therapist’s role as “the authority” on views of correctness, truth, reality, and sanity. Also, the therapy failed partly because of intense shame. I was never quite able to invest the trust in the person necessary to really open up the Dark Side and let it all be seen. My hidden essence is reprehensible and vile. There’s a glaring dichotomy in those two things, the resentment of authority Vs. the intense shame and self-hate. In effect, I hate my self and my life but refuse to invest anyone with the power to influence me and help me change things. I have cut myself off from society as much as is humanly possible. If I knew how, I would become a complete hermit and never face another person again. I have cut off so much of myself emotionally that I am chronically depressed, unmotivated, unambitious, and have no drives remaining except that intense and twisted sex drive that is out of control, at least mentally. Here’s the really bad part. In the last decade or so, my sexual appetites/fantasies have turned to a kind of replay of my molestation. Except this time, I’m in the role of the molester. I don’t know where this came from or why. It literally appeared from nowhere one day and has gradually taken over my fantasies. Fortunately, I have so insulated myself from people that there is literally no opportunity for the fantasies to be acted out. But the few times I have been around children in a comfortable setting (i.e., alone with them in a private setting), the impulse has been immensely strong and has taken very much energy and will to control it. Such fantasies would be painful if made reality. It’s like the difference between thinking about murdering someone vs. actually doing it. The fantasy may be a reward to the mind, but the reality would be horrifying, terrifying, and unfulfilling. I no longer allow children around me. And I don’t like being around them even when their parents are with them. I have no relationship interest in children and do not even like them. But this fantasy remains. Sometimes I am convinced it’s demonic. Other times I think it’s just the result of my being a loathsome, repulsive entity. The Bible says, If your hand offend thee, cut it off. And I have sometimes considered cutting off my genitals. But I am, essentially, a coward when it comes to physical pain. I have all the earmarks of a child molester and pedophile. One “good” thing is that I have no stomach for violence or violent acts. I cannot even watch them on television. So how is it that something as vicious and reprehensible as molestation should be so attractive? I don’t know. I refuse to act out the fantasies. If I weren’t so sure I was going to Hell, I would tie that millstone you’ve mentioned around my neck and plunge into the sea. Or maybe I’d be too cowardly to do that, too. Hell or no Hell. I don’t know what to do. People say that child molesters should be executed. And part of me agrees with this. As such, then, the best option for me would be death, but I’ve already addressed that, I guess. Counseling. I keep going back to that option. But it eludes me each time I do it. I’ve been to 12 counselors in the last 15 years. But as I’ve said, that doesn’t work out. And even if I were able to invest in it properly, I’m not sure what use counseling would be for this. What does it accomplish? I mean, what can be done in a counselor’s office to help this essential evil? Therapists use psycho-babble like “resolution” and “working-through,” but these terms seem to have no substantive meaning. What are these things anyway and how can they turn off a compulsion or drive. How can they un-make the neural pathways and neurotically floods that have developed since age 5? How do you “unlearn” how to ride a bike?
Filed under Shared Stories by on Mar 22nd, 2010. 3 Comments.
